They want to have fun, enjoy themselves, that AP is the fun and the spouse is work. You cannot tell your H to leave and not enforce it. I mean, there was this, and then that odd thing. One who can guide you through this storm. This situation is unfair to you. Get your self together. I sincerely hope it doesnt come to that for you and your children. But then I think about the OW and its like everything comes crumbling down around me. I always felt thats why he was unhappy, because he had to supress his demons for so long. His affair resumed 6 weeks later with same OW and in 2 months asked for divorce. WebMidlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If your partner is going through a midlife crisis, youre probably anxious for signs that theyre coming out of midlife crisis Stop trying to fix it or him. For my own peace of mind. Then the next day he sent me a text after I left for work asking why I thought he was still speaking to her. Then after a month or so of that (or maybe 2, I dont even remember at this point) he said he wanted to start staying the night to help me more, which happened to be after I told him I was moving on with or without him. You rug sweep his A, never again ask questions, allow him to wander in at all hours of the morning and expect no answers about where he has been etc. Midlife Crisis as if they were single or not a parent. It was his bad choice and his unhappiness and his defective moral character. Its not fair to live this way he is either in or out. Hahaha so for 30 years I treated you like a king with love and respect b/c I wanted to spite my parents? TheFirstWife I find out later that there was a girl on the trip with them and he was sleeping with her before Paris , in Paris and after Paris. I get the whole she my soul mate, she perfect for me, Im the happiest Ive ever been. Nothing to do with anything you do or do not do. At first we decided he would stay there but soon after he said he felt like if he did that, we would jump right back into where we were in our relationship and nothing would be fixed. I had all the lies to me about me and backstabbing two faced bullshit and I couldnt stand any more so I outed my serial cheating husband on Facebook which made our kids mad at guess who NOT THE LYING CHEATER OR HIS MULTIPLE WHORES they were mad at me they blamed me for his screwing sewer rats boy was I hurt to find out HE set me up he played me and our kids off against each other. I guess my fustration is with the lack of conscience. I know I was feeling that way, even though when were together its nice, the minute he would leave I just felt crazy. I dont know how many times ive told him you want a different life than this one, go have it and he says thats not what he wants, he just doesnt want to be controlled. But really what else am I supposed to do? The holidays come and go. I am in my 3rd day of respecting my girlfriends wish to give her space.she is having a affair with a guy that is more than 1000kms away. Eventually I made him realize he had to leave the house. If I had that knowledge on D-day, I might have behaved differently but then again the SHOCK OF DISCOVERY is overwhelming. He was not a big drinker but he realized the error of his ways. But God forbid he ever try to prove me wrong. He got pissed off at me and defending himself and his whores must have been exhausting . Leaving you in limbo is unfair and its not a game. We also had a discussion a while back on how to get the cheating spouse out of the affair fog, and quite a few BS chimed in as to what worked or didnt work in their own situations. But it is an excuse to justify his own behavior (as in I went out all the time b/c you acted like you didnt care). He is destroying a family but then again he doesnt care. So why would that upset me? You have done everything possible you have tried discussing it. Im SO terrified of getting the next text that says we need to file for divorce. I think at this point he has multiple OW and is making bad choices but they are his choices not yours. I made sure he knew if he sat at the dinner table with me and children it was a privilege and a gift and dont count on it. Talk about feeling like a major sap! But the cheater continues to push us away. Yesterday, he said to me that he had been invited to a concert Saturday night, and I said oh why didnt you go? Its the same with a cheater. I think I needed to be more honest with you, but I was afraid that if I was, you would leave. I drew a firm boundary and said that I wanted to work on saving our relationship. So I dont know where that puts anything, but i just cant focus on what hes doing like this. You need him to be a man. The ONLY time I saw any effort from him was when I kicked him out a few weeks ago and he became extremely scared. There is very little the spouse can do to change the cheater during the fog. I feel like an annoyance. trouble is the tunnel I get so many thoughts in my head that just completely consume me and it is so frustrating. I read the text he claims to love her and he told her he wanted to spend with her the rest of his life.. The only fog he appeared to have was to think she was an innocent party. They got no validation or acknowledgement Their behavior was ignored. It makes my journey/nightmare a little less awful! Even when I saw the phone logs in January, the next night, we went out with friends and had a great time. I am not stopping you. I just dont know how much longer this can last. I have wanted NOTHING more than to fix us and move forward and be the great couple we have always been, but he seems to be all over the place and completely blames me for the problems in our marriage that lead to his affair. It is absolutely limbo and it is HELL. I felt like he was having his cake and eating it too. And then he texts me Monday and says he will stay at the house since im not feeling well and he will pick up dinner to cook for us.Am I losing my mind or is that confusing in itself? Returning Back: The First Awakening I am 31, married almost 3 years (together 9) with a new 5 month old baby. Did she get back in touch? And they looked like fools. It hurt my hand. I thought we turned the corner. He said he doesnt know why I keep thinking that but that I am wrong. Thank you SO MUCH for your response. BUT if he chooses to lie then the conversation is over. Im not going to accept it. He was not looking for ego boosts from others. I got the baby in the stroller and I went for a run. You were hurting me, but I wasnt aware of it. Free therapy advice that could save your sanity. I dont know what to do. In our house its almost as if hes dead because of how hes totally abandoned us. I went home around an hour later and he was there cooking dinner for everyone. I will never be able to control what he does or make him see things the way I am, his perceptions right now are absolutely screwed up. I say If you want out of this marriage, YOURE going to be the one to make that happen, as I WILL NOT! I was calm and collected, until I started talking about that I was worried about how his dads impending death will affect him, then I cried. I am going to go speak to a therapist, I think that will help. Once it gets difficult or hard, one or other will bail. Right now he is counting on you being a mess. He said no matter how hurt or upset he is, he shouldnt say rude mean things to me that arent true. Well that stopped after DDay2. Here is a transcribed excerpt from that session. I need to give him his freedom and show him im ok giving him that freedom, but then I have moments where I feel like im being walked all over. My H had one. No! I hope you can gain some perspective. You just told me not to obsess over her anymore and here I am completely obsessing. Youre absolutely right. I never mentioned it again. Doug: Im sure that it was. He never saw me with an I dont give a crap attitude towards him before. He got back in town after the 2 days, I am about 95% he was with her, and he came here as soon as he got back and I ALMOST had a meltdown but I walked away and let him spend time with the baby and I went into the bedroom. Come crawling back or find another OW. If I feel this way, I am sure he feels this way x10. I really no longer cared. I left him but he never stopped contacting me. of course not. Not trying to change a situation or behavior. Yes! I very rarely said no to him to being out with his friends without me. Im so sick of being sad! If you want to work at a paid job to build your own financial independence then your H must agree to it. My H initially went to counseling twice and quit. Yes, Women Can Have a Mid-Life Crisis, Too - Sunday Edit I outed his whores on their Facebook pages I had nothing to hide or lie about funny they shut down their pages as if that changed what they did or how nasty they were to me . I think im just going to tell him about it and say if he would like to join us we would love it, but I have a feeling he isnt going to and then im going to take it personally. Because of 2 abortions and now too old to have babies realisation that she will never be a mum had hit home. Im removing myself from it, not the baby. Linda: A lot of the experts caution that even though you do come back, does the betrayed spouse want you back? After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. The fact that he cant decide is a bunch of nonsense. Like I said, hes never waivered from saying he felt absolutely nothing for her, but he also never waivered from anything I cant prove in black & white, tangible, irrefutable evidence. He has initiated sex a few times and slept in bed a few times, but the majority of time on the couch. At the funeral my husband did say he would not create a scene he would quietly remove any whore who showed up I simply told him I would call 911 he was NOT happy with my plan I dont really care anymore what he thinks about my choices to his cheating. I think its also the type of people he befriends. At this point we decided he will move out, I told him he could stay but he said it doesnt work and he has no freedom there. I guess all I can do is work on ME and try to be the best place for him to be! He was getting out. I have explained to him that I feel like he no longer respects me, which he says is absolutely not true, but actions speak louder than words. She had aborted 2 babies because she tried to trap men with a pregnancy and they didnt go for it. Great! Instead, I was all, Hey babe, so whats going on with you? Midlife Crisis: Signs, Stages, Timeline, & More - Healthline Oh absolutely, he has blamed me for SO much. Its as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed spouse. They usually come to realize every person has faults and they just Theres loss of your family life. And he was like I wanted to be home with the baby..and I looked at him and laughed and I said but you werent..you went out. and he was like well ya but I wasnt out late! Doubtful your leaving would have stopped the affair. However he was the one that came to his senses. I said to him we will make a schedule and I will leave when he comes to spend time with her, and once he gets his own place we will go from there..I dont know if any of what I did was the right decision, I just know I have to gain control of my life. But please do not allow this to go on too long. Park your car at the mall or similar place where you can disappear from him easily if hes the type that would follow you, because if he knows what youre doing and you spent the evening alone, hed be even more sure of your devotion and actually become worse than he already is. Our life stayed secure. I can kick him out for sure and maybe he will be sad for a few days, but im left completely devastated, thinking of all the good times we used to have. You are not forgetting. When he doesnt have me, he seems to finally wake up. She keeps saying she is confused and needs space. Your H is playing a dangerous game I keep hoping he wakes up soon. Thank you so much for your response. Im just like eye-rolling why now?, after Ive healed enough to completely see a future without him, why now? How screwed up is that? im giving him his freedom, im asking no questions. That is why I say As are like addictions. ANYWAY I counsel people now, nothing structured but friends and 2nd connections. Its wholly infuriating once you realize you had so much power to fight back and didnt, and you realize they put you there and manipulated you to keep you there, too. But yet he wants to see the baby every night. Sometimes I feel like he is feeling positively towards me and then sometimes I think he really cant wait to just get out the door. As my friend from south America says if you dont want me I dont want you. HE ALREADY IS ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR ON YOUR M! We had a huge blowout fight on Monday. Its RUDE to go out all night and not even inform me when we live in the same house and im at home raising the baby. Deal with your stress and anxiety in a productive way. So is his snide comments that you seeing another guy. Bc this is absolutely awful. No way. When we left after the argument he texted me that we need to end this. My friend came to me and let me sob on her shoulder while she told me how she and her H had gotten thru an affair 30 years before, which entailed him moving out and in with the local bartender. Does your H have ADHD or ADD? I hope you can get there. Weve seen on our blog where people take a couple of weeks, a month, or whatever, but it seems inevitably, the majority of them do come back for that reason. You have told him to leave but yet he does not. And Im going to get a good therapist to talk to. But I also dont want to be walked all over and disrespected. Im glad I found this blog, so I could vent safely! Im so sick of being worried that every day a new bomb is going to drop thats going to make my stomach drop and upset me. But it was not even close to your situation. I told him to leave. Ok then he has an affair 3 years ago. Instead, Dday happened during pregnancy, I was hormonal, emotional, scared to death, and unsure how the hell I was supposed to maneuver through this. I dont even know what this is, but its not what I want. Three weeks before my mother died ( yes this went on for over 7 months) I called his last whore and my husband was such an ass all he could say was he lied he lied he lied while this whore screamed at him all the things he said about me he NEVER wanted me to hear he just lied she didnt she opened my eyes to the POS my husband chose to be after the (truth phone call) call my husband bawled his eyes out that night in his recliner . I think he had probably gone to the bar for a drink or 2 which again, I dont mind in moderation, but he was happy and nice. Dont live with the disrespect. Now in her 40s she had left it too late to have a baby and it had totally fucked her up. Saturday morning laying in bed, I ask So how do you picture retirement? He says nothing and talks to the cat. and he was done being married. STOP focusing on what HES doing. Its 7 years and I still dont do my Hs laundry. Mine was 29yo OW when my H celebrated his 50th. In fact she has gone out on 2 dates with the AP since D day and has moved their conversations to Snapchat to keep them secret. I am having SUCH a horrific day today. NOW is the time to get strong and assert yourself. Thank you both for your comments of support. He doesnt want to help you in any way. He had a no contact with her for about 2 months. Stop focusing on the M. Just know you will be prepared down the road for whatever happens. It was the principle of it. We continued on but his trust issues just went out of control and I resent him everytime he thinks im cheating and everytime he accuses me of cheating, it drives me to go cheat. I thought we were past the A. Its funny you said those 2 options bc during our argument the other day he said something like we will never get past this unless you see it my way, or something like that. I dont want to be mean to him, I want to just focus on me and the baby but its very very hard. He was no longer a bit arrogant. You can also subscribe without commenting. After I got back with him he got trust issues which make me furious. He definitely has some sort of deep psychological issue ADD, ADHD or bipolarism. He was trying his hardest to put me and our marriage first. He talks about how he wants to do all these adventurous things and he doesnt want to be held back, but hes not doing anything like that. Do the 180 the best you can for yourself. I learned you cannot help anyone who will not help themselves. (I Believe) this has been going on for about 5 months. THATS PART OF THE PROBLEM..its so very frustrating. And after two hours he agreed I was right. Add in that we planned for a baby and are now raising our beautiful 5 month old daughter, I am trying to be fair to him and not keep her from him in any way, while also maintaining my sanity and possibly my need to move on from him. I also wonder what he meant when he said that I am too impatient. Too chicken (or too confused to know what he wanted). Here are some most crucial signs of a midlife crisis that may help you to understand where you stand. So you have some idea of what you are facing like if you split up and its a no fault divorce state what is the % you get for alimony and what % for child support etc. And then I got in the car and went for a drive. I didnt respond, and I continued driving, just listening to music, thinking. I am just SO NERVOUS about the next bomb dropping being him saying its finally time for a D for real this time. Im sure im going to be extremely sad and depressed about this in a days time, I know its going to be so hard. He is going out MUCH more lately, out until 2am, even though he will text me and say hes on his way home, and then not get home until hours later. And I read these things and just cant seem to accomplish it. My H early on was hoping I would demand a D so he could be with the OW but not have any blame. I think its his conscious. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. It would have made me think long and hard and say, Geez. Complete disrespect. He admitted it and a few weeks later he ended it with her. Different than now? Depressed State of Mind. Respond only if you have to. I was not the cause of his unhappiness. No disrespect. But maybe im wrong. My CH didnt really seem to be an a fog and just cut all contact with the OW. Thats HIS guilty conscience talking. I have always been the most important person to him, I know he has loved me more than he loved ANYONE in his life, like I was just the one thing that really mattered, and now I feel like I dont matter and im so confused by that. Once they truly hit bottom, We were fine. And he has never used drugs and I have known him 35 years. My experience (and for so many beyrayed spouses) is the same as yours. But i knew waking up this morning that it would be right back to me feeling like im some weak girl and he calls the shots. For context, I cheated and my wife and I worked through it. So I demanded the post nup. Wow! And I know hes still in there somewhere, but maybe his love for me is just not what it was. Two steps forward and one step back as they say. You know he is unreliable. Just walked in and demanded a D. And a few hours later I told him he no longer had any control over me or my life b/c I was done playing games. Again, if he lies, you tell him that you are expecting him to be honest. He KNOWS he is free to go. Unpause the Menopause Podcast: Midlife Crisis or Midlife Or someone who has high standards or morals. Its all so upsetting. He texted me and said he would be home in 15 mins. Linda: I also think those things are important, but I would hope that removal would actually maybe allow the person to see what their spouse meant to them. We were only talkingnothing else!
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